Missing your babies, so much it hurts.

Sorry about that little cliff hanger there, but I like to keep you all interested !!

So, it’s around day 3 now isn’t it, and I was starting to feel a little more settled, weather it was because I had Anastasia beside me looking after me or because I had finally come to terms with what was happening.

I now had credit on my phone card, ( I’d taken £100 into prison but it literally look forever to reach the ‘kiosk’ ) ok ok I know 3 days isn’t forever but trust me… when you haven’t heard your babies voices in 3 days, it’s forever.

‘Ring ring

Hello, Nicky?? It’s Jodie.

To be honest he was blunt as hell, he was so angry at me and so hurt he literally didn’t want to speak to me….. not only because I had landed myself in prison again, but for the fact the poor bloke had just found out I hadn’t paid the rent for 3 months!! 😔😔 He’d dealt with it and got back up to date with the rent, but of course he was fuelled with more anger…because even up until the day I went in prison, I was still lying to cover up more lies from the past gambling!

Putting that aside for a moment.

I just wanted to speak to my babies. Preston came on the phone and I couldn’t contain my tears, my god I tried, I tried so so hard, but hearing his little voice on the other end of the phone after days, killed me.

‘Hello darling, its mummy. Are you ok?’

‘Hi mummy, where are you? Daddy said you’ve gone to work away like he does,but I miss you, when are you coming home??’

Oh my heart hurt so so much. I tried so hard to hold a conversation with him. Tears streaming and I was barely able to get my words out… Anastasia was beside me, rubbing my back, trying to console me. I was shaking and I couldn’t go on speaking anymore, through sputtering and spitting I whaled out to him –

‘Mummy will be home really really soon darling, it will go really quick I promise you, and before you know it mummy will be back with you, and I promise you this, mummy won’t be leaving you ever again! Be good for Daddy, he’s going to find things a little tricky darling so please help him. Please baby always remember, whenever you are thinking about me, I promise you I’m thinking about you too. I love you so much sweetheart. I promise I’ll be home soon!’‘Ok mummy bye’ I remember that conversation so well, because Preston was so cheery, although I was a melting mess, he seemed to be coping ok (at the moment) of course that changed in weeks to come. Right now it put me at ease knowing he wasn’t a tearful mess like me.

Pixie on the other hand was a different story. I had to call back.. because you literally get 3 minutes before you hear them deafening beeps and the phone cuts out on you.

Pixie answers

‘I just want you mummy’

She screamed, oh she screamed so bad, she was hurting, hurting more than I’ve ever known her to hurt. Her mummy had already been absent for 3 days and she was struggling so bad. She was only 3 years of age, and unlike Preston she wasn’t at school, so we spent every day together, she was my little side kick and she found it very difficult without me.

Nicky took the phone, told me it wasn’t a good idea I spoke to the kids if I couldn’t hold it together and basically…. hung up on me.

I tried to call back, but my credit was already gone. So I now had to wait another painful 24 hours for my new credit to drop and able to make another call.

There was so so much I needed to speak to Nicky about, but there was nothing I could do, but yet again… wait.

Me and Anastasia had already grown so close in such a short amount of time, but I hadn’t plucked up the courage to ask her why she was ‘inside‘ She didn’t openly offer to tell me either so i didn’t pressure it, I mean, she could of still be a cold blooded murderer for all I really knew….but the warmth I got of her and the vibes I felt were nothing but further from that.

Anastasia picks up the phone and makes her phone call (we have a phone in our room so it made private conversations, after lock up, pretty impossible’) she speaks to her son, from whom I gather from the conversation is looking after her baby girl ( around the age of 1 ) they chat and laugh and it’s a lovely loving conversation. She thanks him again for everything that he’s doing but reminds him of this and that and tells him she will call again later.

‘So do you just have two children too?’ I ask.

And that’s when Anastasia opened up to me for the first time, when she unraveled the ordeal she had been through. The terrible news hit my ears, that she had been blessed with three children, but her eldest daughter, Destiny… had lost her life, and how, stunned me even more.

I guess if you was to google Anastasia, like if you were to google me, you’d probably have a different opinion on the story, until you hear it from her. Anastasia had been driving back from her nephews 1st birthday in London when the accident on the m1 happened, an accident that Anastasia has to live with for the rest of her life.

The previous night, Anastasia had smoked cannabis, (around 24 hours ago). Due to being a synthetic cannabis smoker, the odd one before bed, to help make her sleep. Anastasia had smoked the previous night, like I said… but she was sober and had already been driving around London for half the day, and was far from ‘impaired’. Something didn’t feel right as she was driving, it was dark, and she felt something go wrong, to her it felt her tyre blew out, and that was the last thing she remembered before waking up in the car wreckage.

Anastasia is now at the hospital, and the doctors are trying to take her bloods, but all she wants to know is if her daughter and her sons girlfriend are ok??

Where’s destiny and Megan???’ She starts to get angry, as any mother would after having a car accident, she just wanting to make sure her child was safe, the medical team continue to attempt to take bloods, but they couldn’t seem to get a good vein and the needles became painful for Anastasia , she offered a urine sample, but that wasn’t good enough… but at no time did she ‘refuse‘ her blood samples. At this point all she just wanted to know was where her daughter was? Shed known her son was ‘ok‘, and by ok I mean he was thankfully alive, but left with a broken nose, broken arm, broken ribs and punctured lung…. Anastasia was yet to hear anything about destiny. IS DESTINY OK? That’s when the life changing, devastating news that no parent should ever have to have delivered.

That your daughter has passed away. Not only had destiny died in the car accident, her sons girlfriend Megan had also died, the impact of the car accident had affected the left side of the car, so both the front passenger (Destiny) and the passenger behind her (Megan) had took the impact, and instantly died.

Such an awful ordeal… for anyone. Any mother !

The ambulance crew and the police who attended the accident, had no suspicious of drugs. They had been at the scene almost minutes after the accident, where Anastasia’s soft top had been ripped from above her in the accident.

Anastasia is still in hospital, she wasn’t interviewed, wasn’t questioned. As far as she was aware it was just one terrible car accident that sadly took two people’s lives. She later left hospital, empty. And only left with thoughts in her head of

‘what actually happened’ Now for the preparations…the grief…and to start planning a funeral to bury her own child, her beautiful daughter. Megan’s family didn’t blame Anastasia, they knew her and knew what an amazing woman she was, and how this was just one tragic devastating accident, that poor Anastasia had to live with for the rest of her life…

A whole 14 months had passed, over 1 whole year and Anastasia hadn’t heard anything from the police, apart from a voluntary interview around a month after the accident, solicitor free… just to tell her version of events. They told her at this stage they had found traces of cannabis in her blood, but the traces were very low.

Anastasia wasn’t arrested or charged and was released pending further investigation. and had carried on with her life as ‘normal’ as possible.

But then, 14 months later Anastasia was called into the station ….

Miss James?”

I am arresting you under the suspicion of -You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence, do you understand?!.’ And they took Anastasia away. But why???

I know these blogs are ultimately about me, but I feel I need to tell her story. One of my main reasons for wanting to tell it so badly, is because there have been some significant changes in the past weeks which could one day hopefully change a lot for Anastasia. I will reveal all in my next chapter .

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