Reality still hadn’t me as I walked down those stairs, my head was spinning… but for some strange reason, right now I felt a little more relaxed. Finally, my fate was sealed and I now felt I really could start to get better.
Time to myself, away from everyone, everything to really focus on sorting myself out.. I know I was going to be away from my children for potentially 6 months, and the thought of that killed me, but I know I needed this, I know I needed to go away.
I await in my cell at Ipswich crown court for my ‘sweat box’ to arrive. I still hadn’t cried, WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME!? I knew I would get a call when I arrived at the prison, and the thought of that made every second tick by slower than ever imaginable.
Finally I was in my compartment on the bus, as I look above I see shoe prints… on the ceiling?! Like what the hell. I asked the officer ‘ohhh you’d be surprised how hard someone would try kick their way out of that box’ …brilliant I thought to myself, thinking I was in the seat where once a serious scary criminal may of sat. I curled into a little ball on my hard plastic chair and wished the next 2 hours of my journey away. I must of fell asleep, as the next thing I know is that we were at the prison.
Hand cuffed again they escorted me off the bus, it was cold and dark and I was ushered into reception of HMP Peterborough.
I was lead into different rooms, tested for drugs and pregnancy, searched inside and out. Yes, I said it. Inside and out. My property was carefully checked and bagged ready for me to be located into my new ‘home‘ for the next 6 months.
I had my phone call, I called Nicky… and that was when i finally broke tears, hearing the kids in the background, hearing him crying down the phone, because he didn’t think he was going to be able to cope and how to handle life without me. And our poor babies, my beautiful children were already asking for me. I had only 60 seconds on that line and it went so so quickly. I told him to hold my babies so so tight and tell them ‘mummy loves them to the moon and back, it won’t be long and you’ll be back in mummies arms, please be good for daddy and help him as much as you can, and please remember whenever you think of mummy, know that mummy is thinking of you too!’. The line cut out. And I didn’t know when I would hear there little voices again. 😢😢
I was escorted to my cell, as each door was unlocked before me and locked behind me, everything came spinning back into place, I remembered every part of this prison so clearly, I never thought I took so much in, but I remembered it so well.
We got to my cell, I was on the C wing. Richard the officer asked me if I wanted hot water, I declined. And he locked me up. As the door slammed and locked, I sat on my bed, pulled out all my photos of my beautiful humans and broke into a million pieces. I was hysterical, I was even sick, I couldn’t calm myself down!! This was the breakdown I half expected after sentencing…. but I guess it didn’t hit me until I was behind that hard metal door.
I already had so many question for Nicky,
Are the kids ok???
Have you told them???
What have you told them???
Are they ok???
Are they ok???
I’d only spent a few nights away from my babies before, never like this… they were always a phone call away so I could always check in at anytime. My parenting was now on hold, I now had no say in what was happening in my children’s lives! I wasn’t there to kiss them goodnight. I wasnt there to tell them how loved they were and how long was I not going to be there for??
I was hyperventilating.
I think I even screamed out a few times. My new Next door neighbour banged on their wall and shouted ‘ SHUT UP‘
I’d been in prison all of 20 minutes and I’d already pissed someone off! I didn’t know who I shared my wing with, maybe my newest neighbour was a murderer?
Brilliant. Can’t wait to meet them!!! 😩😩😩
I couldn’t sleep, my god I tried, tried to block this nightmare out, but I couldn’t. I’d been given a load of leaflets on prison life, with tears rolling, I attempting reading.
I’d had enough of reading, I couldn’t make head or tail of half the prison lingo. My eyes were so swollen and heavy. I just wanted to know my babies were ‘ok’, the only comfort I had of them right now were my photos….
Beautiful pictures of my amazing children, and there I was crying my eyes out again, hyperventilating *again* telling these glossy photos how sorry I was, explaining to each picture how mummy would be home soon…kissing the 4×6 then holding them tight to my chest.
Day one of potentially 183,
I closed my eyes, hugging a picture of my beautiful Babies, and I think, I think I fell asleep.
Then I awake, its morning and I can hear all the residents shouting and swearing…
I was officially in hell.