It was a cold evening and the wind was up, I’d like to be able to tell you which day of the week it was, but I was in such a bad place, my memory slips before me.
I had hurt so many people around me, and I couldn’t see a way out. Gambling had over powered me, time and time again and trying to escape from it was impossible, I couldn’t see a way out. I had shattered yet another part of my boyfriends heart, torn holes in the family once again and I no longer wanted to exist.
The only thing that was running through my mind was how better off everyone would be …. without me. I was draining my family with my addiction, I was forever fighting a losing battle from my addiction. And I just wanted out.
I’d been driving around in the middle of the night crying, uncontrollably, going nowhere in particular, I’m surprised I was able to drive through the tears, but somehow I did. I ended up in a dark part of Lowestoft, it was quiet, and peaceful. As I sat before my steering wheel I stared into the dark night before me. My car was running, but all I could hear were my mentally tortured thoughts…
I’m never going to be able to escape this.
Everyone hates me.
Look what I’ve done to my family.
How will things ever get better.
The world would be better off without me.
My boyfriend knew when I had ran out the house I wasn’t in a fit state, I’d told him I was ready to end my life when I ran out of the door and he didn’t trust me. Why should he?
As I reached for my forever buzzing phone, it lit…
23 missed calls – Dad
38 missed calls – Nicky
4 missed calls – Ben
Countless unread messages, all the most important men in my life worried sick where I was. I didn’t read any of my messages. I left my car running with my lights on, without thinking ..( because in this moment, you don’t think )
As I walked up the cobbled slope I could hear the roaring of the wind and the slamming of the waves up against the high walls. It was pitch black and I was the only person there, me and my thoughts. The tears continued to roll down my face, and that was it, I was ready to end my life.
I love my babies more than I can put into words, I truly believed they and the world would be a better place without me, but through this whole experience, I put them to the back of my mind. At that moment they were the only thing keeping me going, if I took the time to think about someone other than myself I knew I wouldn’t go through with it, and right now I couldn’t see any other way to escape this monster that had ruined my life.
My phone continued to vibrate in my pocket, as I walked closer to the edge of the high sea wall. The waves were fierce, surely one jump would end it all? As I wiped the last of my tears I looked up and saw the brightest star in the sky and whispered to myself ‘I’m sorry’.
But something stopped me. I reached for my phone while standing so close to the edge, and the latest message flashed up from my boyfriend.
“Don’t do this Jodie. Think of our children. They need their mummy. And I need you!! I love you. Please where are you!!!”
I don’t know what made me stop but I took a step back, and caught my breath. And then I was physically sick.
Was I really about to take my own life? Leave my children behind? Leave them to Survive through life with only a daddy? Cause such unimaginable heart ache and pain to everyone who cared about me… because I let my disgusting addiction win??
I am so glad I pulled my phone out at the moment in time and was able to see that message flash on my screen, if I hadn’t of seen the pain in his words, if i hadn’t of seen him tell me how much my children need me, I really don’t think I would be here today.
I replied to my boyfriend – ‘I’m ok, I’ll be home soon’
It took me a while to gather my thoughts, took me a while to get my own head about what I nearly just commited. After a while I walked slowly back to my silver Renault Megane and climbed in, I reached for my phone – as I’d realised it had stopped repeatedly buzzing in my back pocket ….. it had died – ( no pun intended ) and I knew everyone would be panicked my phone was off, so I drove home, albeit very slowly. I could hear every second passing by as the hand on my watch ticked over, the world was moving so slow…. or maybe I was just appreciating every second, because I was still alive.
I was so shocked at myself for what I was about to do, it’s like I had turned into someone else, something had come over me, so out of character… But when your in that moment, when you really cannot see no way out, the only things that pass through your mind, are negative. I was strong enough to be able to change my own mind.
I WILL NOT LET MY ADDICTION KILL ME.
It had already took so much away from me, I’m so glad I didn’t give it my life.
As I walk through the door, Nicky came running down the hall, so angry, but so relieved I was ok…. he was on the phone and all I heard him say is ‘she’s here, she’s home Nick’ he grabbed me, held me so tight…. and we sobbed together.
I now had a new event to add to my never ending list of ‘Things my addiction made me do’ coming so close to ending my life was definitely going to be the last one on the list…
Well, you would think so.
National Suicide Prevention
08000 684 141
It’s ok not to be ok